Being "home"

Thank you for your support. I wanted to tell you what it's been like to be home for over a month now. The first two weeks had difficult moments of sadness as I remembered what I left behind, but school quickly captured all of my efforts and concentration. The program I began at Sacramento State is more competitive than I could have imagined, and in every class I need to apply myself fully and study as much as I can. This keeps me from being sad or dwelling on what I left behind. And my studies have extra meaning for me as I consider the kids from the orphanage during training on hearing and speaking. It has turned into an unexpected blessing to move to a new city. Because I have no friends here, I am able to study during the day without the distraction of a busy social life. :-) Also, because the program is so intense I am developing a special bond with many of my classmates. Living with my parents has also been an amazing economic and lifestyle blessing. They are the perfect friends, as they are very understanding if I act like a hermit and read my books all day. One day I told my mom I wished I had some cookies, and a few hours later I walked into the kitchen to find her baking chocolate chip cookies!!! I am spoiled! I feel like school is filling me up with new ideas of what I want to do with the kids when I return to Romania and what I want to teach them. I have a new passion to learn Romanian sign language (which is different from American Sign Language, of course. Each country has its own unique sign language. Even deaf British people use a different sign language that's different than American Sign Language. This seems unfortunate, but that's another topic). I want to bring an otoscope and check one child's ears who has not developed language, though she's almost 2 years old. I want to teach a deaf teen how to use his desire to do drama for visitors more pragmatically. One of my Romanian friends who works at the orphanage told me that Ariana asks for me often (she is the girl I bought the juice for and she was so excited about it). I imagine showing up one day to the orphanage and jumping in her bed and hugging her. I can imagine her screaming with joy. I want to take her outside in her wheel chair in the winter for a walk.

I want to trust in Jesus regarding my return. Since I am allowed to "dream big," I want to return to Romania for a month during Christmas vacation, as well as over the summer again (for 3 and a half months!!!) after the program ends for the summer ... How can I be sure that this is God's will and not "Marilyn's will?" I have learned that if something is God's will - He will open the right doors. I pray he opens the door to return for a month over Christmas ... but it is difficult to pray in such a way that I feel I'm totally "letting go" and letting God. Pray that I will trust in God heartily even if he says, "No."